October 12, 2014

Alright guys, this one's gonna be heavy. If yall wanna stay around for an outpouring of my heart, read on. If not, don't waste your time. This isn't a lesson or teaching or message I have for yall. I don't have prayer requests or praises. Just me and my thoughts. I feel its important to let other believers know whats going on in my head about spiritual matters and show them where I am at and how I need to grow. Here we go.

Where do I start? I am told, indirectly and directly, that I am a young man full of Jesus and wisdom and the like. I'm glad people see that. But I don't see that in me. In youth today a friend of mine spoke about hypocritical Christians. They mentioned distancing ourselves from drugs, bad influences, cussing, etc. so as to not make others stumble, and how people should know we are a Christian. And people do know I am a Christian. But do I have the heart, the motivations behind it? Am I living for God, or am I living for myself? I woke up this morning and checked my Google+ notifications from last night's post, and was crestfallen when I saw the results. If this was truly God's work I wouldn't be worried about results. 

Also, when I attribute God's name to something He did through me, am I truly honoring Him or is my heart in a place where I say that as a formality but I want the glory? Am I robbing Jesus of the glory He deserves; all of it? These are just questions for ME to answer, please don't reply to those.

Also in church, we have been doing a study about unity in the church, and a LOT of it (every sermon) has a tie with the Holy Spirit, which makes sense. How we are supposed to follow the Holy Spirit's guidance and how we'll live in rejoicing and happiness always with the Spirit in us. I even remember a time when I had the Spirit manifesting itself in me and God did some truly awesome things, but now I've gotten out of sync. I put myself before God and fallen hard. That never ceasing joy has turned into apathy; God for sure did take away my sadness and hurt, but I am not living in a radical optimism either.

I used to hope for Heaven everyday and live for eternity. Now I live just to get through a day. My eyes has fallen from the eternal to the finite, and I just wanna get good grades or find a good college or make it to next Sunday when perhaps I'll find Jesus again. Sundays used to be an awesome time of reassurance in the faith; now I come home with even more questions on my mind. Like, is the Holy Spirit manifesting in me right now? I know I feel nudges to do certain things, and I share the gospel or act chivalrous or avert my eyes during movies, that kind of thing. But I don't see any success or overcoming in those I reach out to. And maybe thats God, cause He doesn't want to puff me up when I see what He has done. I would attribute it to me.

I've prayed for long periods of time, for many people, for many reasons. Every night I pray. I have not seen any significant answered prayer in my life. I haven't seen healing in anyone's hurt when I was praying for them. I've seen three young ladies be miraculously healed of Lyme Disease, a lifelong disease, which left one of them disabled and in a wheelchair. She now walks the halls of my own school. But God, in what I've seen, has not worked through my prayers. I don't know if I'm praying right - if there is such a thing. I thought that God just wanted to hear from us, not that we needed to follow a formula.

I see others so dependent and utterly relient on God, and I long for that. I thought that if I prayed and it matched up with God's will, it would happen. I love Jesus so much, that much is demonstrated by my need to have Him manifest Himself more in my life. I just don't know why I'm down when I should be living in happiness. In joy. The atrocity of Jesus's death doesn't astound me anymore. The foolishness of my sin doesn't make me upset. The awesomeness of God's love has become mundane to me. I have been desensitized to all that I used to abound in. I am a shell of the man 9 months ago - when Jesus turned my life around.

I was a Christian at the time, but I was just living FOR Jesus. I woke up that day with my marrow burning and a song in my chest and I KNEW God wanted me to stop living FOR Him... and start living WITH Him. Thats when I had ministry opportunities and saw God working in my life, and even though I didn't see change in their lives, I know it was just training and endurance building for what God has for me down the road. Within nine months I have seen the worst of people; not that I am persecuted but that people have poured out their hearts and I've seen what this world has done to them. I have even become desensitized to this; I used to cry for them and seek out Jesus for a while; now I give them a mention in a laundry list of prayers.

I'm working on my prayer life. What I was doing before wasn't working, so I've started another tactic that I am excited about. I feel closest to God when I'm doing this, but its like a Jello-wall. I can see and feel God just behind this translucent, squishy, distorted wall. His voice is warbled and I can feel His presence, but its not like being smacked by a bullet train anymore. I am no longer a mosquito on God's windshield; along for the ride.

I want to grow close to Jesus so badly. I am setting more and more time aside to reflect and pray and bring things before Jesus. But it doesn't feel like even I am changing. My prayers seem like duds; and now I can't even pray for myself. The days I have people backing me with prayer are the days I feel empowered by Jesus. Do I even have faith? If I lacked faith, that would explain away all my problems, but I know for a fact I have faith. Its been written on my heart. I can no longer deny Jesus, if I do I get uneasy and guilt-ridden. This is a sign that I do have a relationship with Him.

So if I have all the pre-requisites for being a strong man of God, where is this mighty man of valor? When is God going to move in my life? I want the faith that lots of my friends have; an utter RELIENCE on Jesus. To need Him in my day. I cry out for Him everyday now because I hate the way I feel and I feel like I'm drowning, but somehow I survive without experiencing Him strongly. Its not that I doubt God's existence. I don't even doubt that He's working in me. I know what I'm feeling has purpose. But I don't get WHY. What is God trying to show me? Have I withdrawn from His presence or has He withdrawn from me? I reach our for His hand, and I know He is reaching down for me, but our hands aren't meeting. I just wanna rest in Jesus, but I HAVE no rest. I wanna rejoice in His overcoming in my life, but I have no joy. I am a part of the stained glass masquerade that Casting Crowns describes: I put on a face at church to look Godly but I don't feel Him anymore. I can give out wisdom and encouragement to those who seek for it: God has blessed me with this. But where can I find MY wisdom, my encouragement? Not within me! But within CHRIST. And since Christ is on the other side of the Jello-wall, I cannot reach it. Nothing happens in my own strength.

I have surrendered all of me to God many many times. I have given Him all. I have asked Him to rule in my life, do what He wants with me, and if my prayer has been answered, its not what I expected. I wanted to be the encourager of the hurting, the light in the darkness that reflected the Light, the defender of the faith. And I am none of these. I'm just a kid, broken because he knows what it is to love Christ and he's forgotten how. He remembers the good times when Jesus blessed Him with insight and clear vision; now the blinders have come back on and he's lost without his Savior. His Savior has not left him, but he doesn't feel he's left his Savior either; he strives to follow the suggestions of those around Him. To rest in Him, or to run after Him. To pray harder, or to pray with more faith.To work harder, or to rest more. To do Christ-like acts and attribute it to God's name, or to wait for God to do the work and praise Him then.

I have had enough of listening to human wisdom. You guys have encouraged and prayed and listened and yall are great, but frankly, I'm done caring about what yall have to say. I JUST WANNA HEAR JESUS TELL ME HOW TO LIVE. I'm so hurt and beaten down by this world; everyone expects me to be great and love Jesus. Its HARD. Especially as a kid cause people doubt you. And if they don't doubt you, they hate you. If they don't hate or doubt you, they don't disciple. I want a strong Christian man I can look up to, to meet with every week, that I can emulate the Christ I see in them. I'm sick and tired of church sermons and people's outside advice. I want the one who knows me, JESUS, to evaluate and tell me where I'm wrong and how to grow. I'm sick and tired of trying to figure it out alone. I AM alone. No other Christian guy I know takes the faith seriously like I do. I distance myself from those at school because I am not like ANYONE; even the church goers. I make friends easily, but I don't have any friend that knows me to a tee. No one but Jesus. I don't expect any human to live up to this; how could they? What I ask is impossible. I just want Jesus to be my friend, Father, my comforter and healer. And He IS. But I don't see friendship or fathership or comfort or healing in my life. I've forgotten, grown desensitized, become apathetic. I don't know how to describe it. 

So there it is. These are the thoughts that ravage and tear apart my mind everyday as I continue to push forward in my walk with Christ. I post this so yall can pray for me. I do not want your comments to attempt to encourage me; like I've said, I want to hear from Jesus. I'm a terrible listener and need to learn how to head my own God's voice. So I'ma wait on Him. Whatever it takes, I WILL find Jesus again. Or perhaps He'll find me, which is most likely gonna be the case. Lord knows that I am blinded by my own pain and my search for Him is in vain; He'll decide when He's ready for me to experience His Spirit manifested in me again. I won't be posting anymore until God gives me actual insight, I don't want to lead you guys astray in my faulty human understanding. I will be online occasionally, just don't expect to hear from me. Have a wonderful evening, I'ma spend some time in prayer and seeking Him.