September 22, 2014

So if you haven't read my last post, thats fine. Today's will follow up on it, so hear is a quick recap:

It was mostly for prayer. I haven't felt God near for a long time now and have been sick and school has been overwhelming... too many things at once. I just cried out to this awesome community for prayer and support, which they graciously gave!

But God revealed to me: the love I always talk about hasn't gone anywhere. I have always known God's love wouldn't fail, but mine does. I haven't felt MY love for HIM recently. And that worried me because I was putting God first in all that I did and such. I still prayed, still did devos, still had Him give me strength for the day. 

The catch is, I was FEELING. And thats a problem. So often I talk about how love is a CHOICE, not an emotion. And I fell into that lie again. To think that my love for Jesus is limited to an experience, an feeling physically manifested in the swelling of my chest. No!! Love is a CHOICE. Its FAITHFULNESS.

Now, I haven't been too faithful. Sure, I put God first in all I do, but its ME that comes after that. If I do something, its me doing it, not God through me. God may get a request beforehand, but I take the credit afterwards. And that isn't very loving. Love is a sacrifice, and selfless choice. I have talked so much about this, why didn't I see it myself?

My youth pastor has advised me on multiple occasions to remain faithful in hard times like this. Faith required faithFULness. Love required faith, a selfless faith that will abandon all to pursue Jesus. And while I thought I was pursuing Him, I was just asking Him for His help then doing it all on my own anyways. He has, is, and always will be loving ME. He has, is, and always will be giving His all for my sake that I may know Him more. He pulls out all stops. He chases after me when I run from Him.

I don't claim to understand this fully. I may not ever. The words just kinda came out, they haven't become meaning yet in my head. I hope they mean something to you, as I search myself for how Jesus and I can grow. I've been battling especially with one concept people keep on telling me: to let God do all the work. That baffles me. I used to once understand it, but now I have a spiritual amnesia. I remember days when I was FEELING strong in my faith, now I'm not so sure.

To let go of my side of the relationship, and let God do the work. Reminds me of Abraham. When God made a covenant with him, He walked through the split animals; HIM ALONE. Usually covenants like this required both parties to walk through, symbolizing that if they broke their promise they would be cut in half also. But this time, only God walked through. The covenant rested on His unfailing love, not our faulty promises.

But to let go, and stop trying so hard to love Jesus. How does that work? I dunno, it just doesn't sit right with me. Now, thats probably my prideful flesh talking, and I'm working on surrendering my relationship with Him TO Him. Never thought I'd have to do that, and its the hardest to surrender I think. I want to love Him so much, and yet I'm supposed to let Him do the loving, and then act in response to that love... not the other way around.

Well, as I try and sort this out, I ask for your prayers and comments... they are greatly appreciated!! Also, if I can pray for you guys in any way, let me know! I'll be happy to bring your requests to the cross as I head there tonight! God bless ya:)