Insecurity Feeds Pride

To be honest, I've had a lot I could've written about these past few days. I knew God didn't want them posted, and so what I've written stays a draft unless God decides to use it as material later.

I never really got the time, or had the energy, or found a topic that I could write about. Sure, there were many many items that were on my mind that I wanted to say, but with the knowledge that what I was writing was written by me, and not inspired by my God, I refused to put anything up. And hence my five day silence.

I honestly get worried when I don't write a post at least every three days; that's the time frame I try to stick to. It just feels good to have something up on the site every three days, new content to allow people to see. But I think there's a good bit of selfishness behind it as well.

However God uses my blog to touch others is His business; but I do like to watch its growth, which gives me some idea of its impact. The number of views and comments fill me with a sense of fulfillment, that God can use a life like me to make a difference in the world. When I feel I don't measure up, the numbers and statistics behind my blog help me realize my worth; this could quickly become unhealthy.

Insecurity feeds pride.

I'm scared that my identity will slip from its proper place in Christ, and fall to worldly dreams, like the 'success' I see my blog having. Sometimes when I tell people that it's only God's grace that could've propelled my blog to its near 5000 views, which is entirely true, I imagine myself to be the talent that took it this far. God, tame my hubris.

It's when I look to when I started, my first posts, that I realize just how wrong I am. God has grown my writing exponentially. When I wrote faithfully, and only for Him, He blessed my ministry. And that's why I won't post some of what I've written. I see the words screaming my own name rather than Jesus's, and as much as my flesh wants to be worshipped because of what I've done, I know my writing is to worship my God and declare what He's done.

I want to be the one that sits on my life's throne. But if I did, I'd probably have an unhealthy relationship. I'd probably have abandoned all hope of religion. I'd probably have grown to hate my parents and rebel. And if I sat on my life's thrown, I'm not sure any of what I just mentioned would've happened, because without my God's intervention, my depression could've grown into something much worse.

I tell my friends that there are no what-ifs, but only what-nows. So I focus on what I can do in here and now.

Here I am, about to encounter my last year in high school, a life that has been radically changed by Christ. A life that is still living, not because I live, but because it is Christ who lives in me. He is my oxygen, and without Him, I'd return to ashes.

And despite my radical life change, forever ending my pain and my depression, I know it's a long way home. I struggle daily to contend for my faith. I struggle with fear of the unknown, and fear of rejection, which makes being faithful difficult. I struggle with my pride, an overwhelming sense of not measuring up, and with the idea that grace could cover me.

Faith isn't about an easy life, and I want my readers to know that I do face difficulties.

Many seem to look up to me, and that astounds me. That people see me as an adequate next-step towards Christ that they try to emulate me. Let me say this to you personally: once you pass me in faith, find another next-step. Never let your faith be good enough. Press on, pursue your God, contend for the faith. And recognize that the closer you get to the Son, the hotter it gets. It doesn't get easier; if it does, you've found complacency.

But happiness follows me, and I would be remiss if I made this a post about hardship and struggle. Because following Jesus is the best thing I have ever done. Some days are harder than others, and some days all I can see is my own weakness and I feel down. But you know what? "When we are faithless, He is faithful, for He cannot deny Himself." - (2 Timothy 2:13, HCSB)

There are days when I'm filled with joy. When I'm happy to serve. When even the most tedious thing puts a smile on my face because I'm doing it for the One I love. My God is my passion; I think about Him every day. The first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing when I go to sleep.

He's consumed me, captured my heart, and taken my life. He's replaced it with His own. I've had a transplant, no, I'm completely new. Even in my hardest affliction, at my saddest, when I'm most disappointed, I will still be able to stand. When I fall to my knees, I touch the sky. My youth pastor always says: those who can kneel in the King's presence can stand before any man. And I stand before you today, sure of my faith and understanding that it's by God's grace alone.

Isn't that crazy? A God who calls us to love and serve Him knows we cannot measure up to His standards, and so He equips us to take on the challenge. You can know He cares for you because of the faith He's given you.

And now, equipped to #LiveItLikeJesus, I'll face the adversity. I'll arise from the dust when I fall. I'll stand on the Rock, and though I feel shaken, my faith is certain. For it's not me that holds my faith; it's God. He holds it all. And to me, that's beautiful.