It’s been a pretty crazy couple of weeks. I’ve been very busy with my studies as I wrap up senior year. Stressful nights and long days don’t make for the best of times. However, I have this evening before me, and I intend to use it for doing what I love: writing. It’s been a long time, and it feels good to sit back down again and reflect.
Just before I got to my computer, I took an hour long prayer walk to start the evening. It was the perfect way for me to kick off a night spent with my Savior. As I walked, I refused to focus on my troubles or stresses, as I have on past walks. Instead, I just wanted to enjoy the beautiful evening, the trees, the horses, and the time alone. It feels like it has been a LONG time since I’ve enjoyed just living.
As I walked down my gravel road, I realized that lately, I’d been living life in the same way I had been walking. I struggled to enjoy the beauty around me because my eyes were constantly cast down at my feet, watching my steps, assuring I didn’t fall. I would look up once in a while, but soon enough, I was looking at the ground before me again.
There was such a beautiful road before me, with golden sunlight filtering through the green leaves, as it winded it’s way peacefully through the countryside. This reminded me of the future road God has set before me; filled with hope and light and beauty. But instead of looking ahead, and trusting that my feet would find solid ground beneath them, I was so afraid that I would fall that I constantly watched my feet… not necessarily out of fear, but out of habit. And so much so with my spiritual walk! I keep them cast down at my feet, afraid of falling, and constantly worrying about the rocks and potholes and things that I approach. Instead, I could have been looking forward, and see the rocks as pieces of gravel that make the road all the more beautiful, because it’s all of the struggles that God will help me overcome in the future. And this fear of failure and displeasing God and worrying about stress, well, it’s not even fear anymore. It’s habitual.
This needs to change. My prayers recently have slowly started becoming all about me, and how God needs to revitalize my heart for Him again. My prayers for my family, friends, church - and most importantly, my worshipful prayers - have diminished. My heart seems to be heavy every day with the weight of my own unrighteousness; even when Jesus has clothed me in His own. I should be rejoicing!
As I walked, I listened to some music on my iPod, and I came across a song that I love but never seem to remember. It’s called “Creator” by To Send With Love. Here are some of the lyrics:
“You laid the foundations,
separated the seas.
You are the Maker
that put new life in me!
Still, I sing: ‘God,
invade the heart in me!’
Still, I cry: ‘God,
be my everything!’” - To Send With Love
Still, I seem to say all of these things. It feels like I’ve been at this a long time. Will I ever learn? Will my heart ever find it’s eternal resting place in Christ, and never hope for any other? I despise the way that it wanders.
But despite all of this, my God is still faithful. He reminds me that He loves me. These verses give me new hope:
“I will praise the Lord who counsels me—
even at night my conscience instructs me.
I keep the Lord in mind always.
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.” - Psalm 16:7-8
“Yahweh your God is among you,
a Warrior who saves.
He will rejoice over you with gladness.
He will bring you quietness with His love.
He will delight in you with shouts of joy.” - Zephaniah 3:17
No matter what, God will still grow me in wisdom. He will always rejoice over me. And to be called a child of God! What an incredible privilege we enjoy.
In all things, never forget to #LiveItLikeJesus.
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