Humility in Brokeness

"Maybe being broken is just the thing I needed; I'm defeated, and left with just my discontented freedom." - Among the Thirsty

This lyric seems so backwards, and yet, it resounds so deeply in me. I love the humble pondering, the statement of facts, and the conclusion that although discontent with the way things turned out, the author is also free. Take a moment to read those words slowly, maybe even speak them out loud. Let them sink deep, because they outline a pretty heavy truth about our faith.

As you let that simmer, I'm going to go down a rabbit trail. See, a lot of times in my interactions with others, I hear things like, "David, you're too nice," or even worse, "You're right again, just like always." I despise remarks like this, for a few different reasons. One is that if people identify me as a nice person, or someone with all the answers, then it's me glorified and not Jesus. I often have to tell them (painfully; I'm pretty prideful) that it's only by God's grace alone can I do such things. 

The second reason is that it inflates my hubris. When I have a quiet moment, I remember that people think highly of me. This warps my perception of my relationship with Jesus because I start to think that I can do good works (and thereby 'evangelize') and call it a day. Oftentimes, the very next day I feel far from God and I fall flat on my face. That old, overused proverb still rings true: pride goes before the fall.

I find that when God uses me most - when He can drastically change others' lives through me - is when I'm tired and weary. When I don't think I can go one more step, God hands me someone to minister to, and it's then that He works through me. The people that I seek out myself are less benefitted by God's work than those handed to me to serve. I find that interesting.

And, when my pride gets REALLY bad, Jesus has to break me. He reminds me who I am, and often painfully. But every time, these lyrics flutter through my mind: "Maybe being broken is just the thing I needed; I'm defeated, and left with just my discontented freedom."

Broken-ness in our lives doesn't lead to depression like it would if we had no hope. Without Jesus, being broken is the pits and there is no way out. But, with Jesus, broken-ness leads to our looking heavenward. And that's when we recognize God's character and His infinite love and mercy and grace, and, well, it's amazing. I prefer my broken state far above my normal operating levels of pride. To be completely un-relient on one's self is actually freeing. 

Which is exactly what the song says. "I'm defeated, and left with just my discontented freedom." My pride has been beat down, and I have surrendered to my God once again... that's defeat. And now, He hands me freedom, but it is bittersweet: I wanted so bad to be right this time, to justify myself and become self-righteous, but I know deep down that this freedom in Christ is better. It's a discontented freedom.

The next lyrics are: "Maybe being lonely, to watch the world around me fall apart, is just the way to fix my heart."

Our companions, friends, peers, and brothers/sisters in Christ are often all temporarily removed from our lives to fix our attention on ourselves. Not a prideful self-reflection, but a helpful recognition how destructive our pride can be. Pride blinds us, and we look to others around us to build us up. So, God makes us lonely. He removes that frail foundation of peer-support and we get to watch our world fall apart... all. on. our. own. It stinks, but it's very effective.

Once we realize our lives are inoperable without Christ, we realize that our hearts have been in the wrong place. FINALLY! The blinders come off, and we place our hearts back into Jesus's hands and we become healed. Sometimes healing is slow, and sometimes it's instant. But no matter what, Jehovah-Rapha won't let us down! He is the God who heals us.

I've been in this cycle of pride-then-broken for a while now. It seems that my self-righteousness just won't die. And it also seems that it is getting more and more difficult to stay close to Jesus. My self-righteousness produces a spirit of restlessness that causes me to push myself further and further into the mold of a workaholic. With so much of my schedule gone, God has become compartmentalized. I have time for God in the mornings, in the evenings, and before meals. God has His time slot, and He doesn't get extra minutes. 

What I've been seeking for is a solid way to stay in His presence. To encounter God daily, UNROUTINELY, so as to keep my faith fresh and new rather than letting it become old and stale. I mean, who would take their girlfriend out to coffee every Friday from 5-7... for the rest of their lives? That's boring and it'll get old fast; especially if that is the only time they spend together. Similarly, I need to find ways to keep me engaged with my heavenly Creator rather than just walking through motions.

What I want is a relationship with Jesus that is intricately woven into every act of my day-to-day life. I want people to look at me and not see a nice guy, or a guy with the answers, but Jesus. I want people to look at me and say, "Hey! Now that's the love I've been looking for, that's what I need! I need some Jesus! Oh, and look! David's there as well." A lotta Jesus and nothing else! My pride may fight it, but that is what my soul wants.

A constant state of broken humility may be difficult, or even impossible. I'm not sure. But I do know that with God, all things are possible. While I wait on Him to show me how to develop my relationship with Him, I can #LiveItLikeJesus and remember the benefits of broken-ness.