So must of you haven't known, but this week has been, well, a bad one. But I would call it a great one, now that I'm here looking back. And it isn't even Friday.
These past few nights I haven't slept well at all. I'll wake up in the middle of the night, throat dry as a desert, and walk to the bathroom for some water. I was also be sweating in my bedsheets, so I'll turn on my fan, and fall back asleep. I wake up around 6:30 and I'm FREEZING; the fan that once was comfortable has somehow induced a small artic area in my room. I turn on the lights, as tired as I was when I fell asleep. I thought last night's sleep was better; I didn't wake up during the night. But today didn't show any improvement. I fought to stay awake in class and attentive while learning.
In addition, I have a lot of homework weighing on me, as well as a few different responsibilities such as AWANA and helping my church leadership out with a Good Friday event. Usually such things wouldn't faze me, but I've really been struggling for strength; every day worse than the last. I feel pretty stupid telling my friends around me, as they vocalize their stress about a test, to be optimistic and be confident in their ability; I sure don't feel that way now.
But I refuse to give in. Pain, weariness, stress... it's all temporary. By definition, they cannot last forever; there is a Cure, and I happen to know it by name: Jesus. I stand fast in the face of adversity not because I am strong, but because I am weak. If I let go and let it rush over me, I will be overtaken. If I abandon faith, which is the only thing anchoring me here, I will shrivel up and die because Jesus is all that I have. If I lose Jesus it's like losing oxygen, and I can promise I'll fight with all I have to stay living. So I breathe deep, trying to be brave and mock the waves that tower over me, seeking to remove my breath. Deeper, deeper, I breathe, sucking in more Jesus, because I want to show them that they can't hold me under. I have oxygen. I fight for it.
When I get fatigued, it's hard to stay focused on Jesus. A lot of my breathing is for show; bravado to keep the waves at bay. In my heart of hearts, I wander around, looking for the King of Glory that entered my life so long ago. But I am so easily distracted by other things, and my attention is lost. I tell myself I'll seek for Jesus again some other time; but I must look for Him NOW. Now is when I need Him most.
God used my friend to break through to me this evening. She came to me with a pretty serious prayer request, and so I was able to pray over her. In doing so my heart was forcefully wrenched from what it was looking at and made to look at Jesus; one cannot plead for another in intercessory prayer and NOT see Jesus. And what I saw there was love and mercy and grace.
I've gotten so used to it being there that I forgot it was etched in the scars on His forehead where I crowned Him with thorns. I looked to His face so often before that it became regular, and only when I forgot what love was could I see it most clearly. I knew how to love, and I knew how to describe what it looks like, but to SEE Love staring back at you, piercing through your bone and marrow, understanding and accepting and pleading with you that it may offer help... it changes you. I have been through this same cycle so many times, and yet, I learn new things every single time.
This week I've been freefalling. I was, and am, so fatigued and stressed that there really isn't anywhere to go but up. I'm at whit's end, and ya know? I'd rather be here with Jesus like I am now than at the top of my game without Him. I hate my hubris and I hate my lust and pride and anger and sin; and it's only when I'm broken can I love myself. Because that's when I realize I'm nothing and Jesus is everything; that's when loving myself, which is nothing, is equivalent to loving Jesus, which is everything. Because Him and I are inseparable, and because as soon as I add to myself, Jesus is no longer everything. But here, at rock bottom, I have broken myself on the only thing that really matters: the Rock. And as I lie here broken, my Jesus will pick up my pieces and make me whole again, with more love and more faith than before, ready to do it all again the next time I take a fall. And I'd rather be nowhere else than here, shattered, and Jesus leaning over me piecing me together again.
So I sit here, on God's operating table, gazing into His eyes as He works. I feel a slight tickle as He puts me back together. The Light above me hurts my eyes, so I squint to see. But, all of sudden, while He's fixing me, He'll lean over and block out that light with His face. And I see Him clearly again, spots dancing in my eyes from looking in the light too long. I stare into the light and only see how unworthy I am; it reveals all my yuckiness for the Surgeon to see. But I stare into the Surgeon's eyes and see that it doesn't matter how messed up I am, because He is more than good enough for me. He is perfect, and He makes up for all the bad I am by replacing my bad with His good.
I am so tired I can't help my eyes from watering. I tell myself it is because they are drying out, but it could be because my heart is being made new. I love my God, and I'd rather be with Him than anywhere else. I love these moments more than any, and I wish they would stay. But soon I'll be on my feet and in the world again, serving my God, freed from His arms. And I'll trip and freefall and break again, and that's okay. Because He is patient and I am willing to let Him operate on me. I love it when I'm on the table; I'm humbled and able to see all that my God is.
Live, laugh, love, is a common phrase I hear thrown around. It sounds too lighthearted, too carefree. Life is heavy stuff, and it's worries and cares bear down on me. Love is heavy stuff, and if it doesn't hurt, then you aren't loving hard. Laughing, well, I still enjoy it. Laughter is when you forget all you are troubled with and only see good. Laughter is a slice of heaven; a touch of Jesus. And though I'm not laughing, I'm perfectly fine smiling, knowing Jesus is making me new, as I learn to live life like He did.
Thursday, March 19, 2015
Another Long Week
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
David,
ReplyDeleteThought provoking, with this and the previous post. I'm going to be a little candid. I'm usually not open about my strugles, only to God I tell these things... but I guess puting in writing these thoughts helps me to see where I'm at.
Yeah I've been there, trying to reach everybody standard's to fit in, society, family, my own standards, and God's (sometimes more like my added standard's that I've wrongly attributed to Him, and then He points me in the right direction).
And in those areas that hurt, where I just couldn't measure up and change, when in crisis, I'll would either resent me or God in the process, sometimes I would just give-up and become rebellious. This area of my life is an ongoing process. I wish I could say I'm passed that, but I still need to surrender that area in God's hands.
I am learning to be grateful at Him at all times, and not to focus on putting blame on anybody, having patience, I still need to focus on who God says I am, and not what the circumstances say. It's easier to do this while every thing is going great, but when I'm facing so much opposition and I find myself swimming alone against the current it's hard to focus on God's voice amid the rest of the voices (sometimes including my own) and circumstances which are contrary. Sometimes, It's hard not to say, why me? before the Lord, as I don't see that many asked to go-go-onon while facing what I'm facing. Then eventually I remember, Why not me? Who am I to question?. The downer for me is that I feel I'm not advancing (but perceptions, emotions and feelings are not that trust worthy)—I'm not a teenager anymore, thought many times I act as a kid, and I'm not.
For me it's hard not to make an effort, even with stuff I know I haven't control over, my instinct is to try even harder, to think and over-think to find the solution. Here's where I'm usually confronted with faith and trust in Jesus, when I recognize that for all of my efforts I still depend on God, and I realize that I still go back to trusting in my efforts, my perceptions, my feelings, my understanding, my plan, my..., etc. (or is it His strength, His faithfulness, His love, His direction, His plan, His will, that sustains me?)
—and I feel frustrated when things didn't came out as I thought or not proportional to my effort (something I recently heard, the logic is interesting... but If I fail and say It's my failure and feel bad about it, would had I done it right be caused to say, I did it and feel good and then feel pride?, could both be permitted by God, maybe I need to learn by failures as much as I need to learn by successes, maybe God is forming character in me). I still find myself struggling to let go, especially the past (of all, this is my achilles heel), to continue to hand over the control to Jesus of the things I know I can't change in my life.
ReplyDeleteThere is something I forget very very often, and often I'm reminded of it, it's to Rejoice, sometimes I'm so focused on the issues that hurt, I forget to praise Him in the storm, to be thankful, not only by the things he has done, but for who HE is. I'm reminded of Paul and Silas, when they were in Jail, I would probably be so scared and being overwhelmed by it all, I would be praying, but Singing?
Acts 16:25 And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them.
The other day I listen to a sermon, it really got my attention, it was about Joy, quoting king David, Psalm 51:12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit. What struck me, is that often the first thing the enemy or the things that overwhelm us, is to steal our Joy, the passage asks for the Joy of salvation, we already have salvation in Jesus when we believed in Him, when we accepted Him as our Lord and Savior, but I need to also seek the joy in the darkest night.
I guess, God wants me to grow up. I have to mature and not be swayed by my emotions like a kid, and run to a corner and cry thinking it's all is over; even if it's really bad, weather I see Him or not. I need to not loose sight of who He is in my life, and stand my ground in faith and His love.
I recently read this in 1st Kings 19 ...He asked that he might die: “It is enough; now, O Lord, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors." 5 Then he lay down under the broom tree and fell asleep. Suddenly an angel touched him and said to him, “Get up and eat.” "7 The angel of the Lord came a second time, touched him, and said, “Get up and eat, otherwise the journey will be too much for you.” 8 He got up, and ate and drank;" . I like it, here Elijah wants to die, and lays down, yet God provided and said get up, you still have a long way to go. My first instinct is to run, and lay down, but I like how God works, rest, get up, recharge, there is still a journey is front of you.
Sound advice I read somewhere, from a brother in Christ when I needed to here it,"Pursue Jesus's standards: faith, hope, and love. The greatest being love. And as we pursue Jesus we'll learn to #LiveItLikeJesus!"
Thanks for sharing!
Blessings David
Thanks for sharing, Humberto. I see God moving in you every time you drop a comment, be it big or small!
DeleteYou're right, that logic is interesting, and here's a quote from C.S. Lewis to help ya out:
"Humility is not thinking less of YOURSELF, but it's thinking of yourself LESS."
Don't pity yourself. Acknowledge your wrongdoing and bring that to God. Then, trusting God has forgiven AND forgotten your sin, forget it for yourself! You are no longer bound by it; you only feel weighted down if you choose to let it weigh you down. Just drop it at the cross and feel freedom embrace you once again!
God bless you man!! Always a pleasure to talk with ya!