Down But Not Out

I just want my Jesus back.

Of course, He's never left me! And neither have I left Him; I've only been blinded by responsibility and now I spin in circles, groping in the dark, looking for my Savior desperately. I don't understand what my body is doing! I am stressed more than usual, and I am not sleeping well at all. The spiritual darkness closes in around me and although I seek Jesus, He does not seem closer. 

At my church I participate every week in an hour of prayer in the prayer room, and its always a great time. Last night I had my time slot and I used that time to just focus my heart on Jesus. Earlier that evening, and even Thursday evening, I was snapping at my family and stressed more than I've ever known. Closing my eyes flooded my mind with times, dates, and responsibilities and keeping them opened left me looking half-crazed as I rocked in place staring out the window, wide-eyed and unblinking. 

Now, this afternoon, I've finally had time to take a nap. I slept for three hours, give or take a little, and I STILL feel exhausted. I still need to do homework, and I still need to do laundry. So many things I still need to do, and its breaking me. I cannot go on much longer; Jesus, save me soon. 

My cries seem to bounce off the ceiling. Jesus may be listening, and I know He's broken because He loves me, and yet I know He knows He cannot step in just yet because its best if He waits. Best for whom, I know not, but I CANNOT abandon my faith and all that I've built my life on. I've become so dependant on Jesus that I would die if I left the faith; my oxygen would rapidly disappear and I would suffocate in the darkness of our world. My faith is not a burden; rather, it gives me HOPE. I am very logical and enjoy reasoning. Because of this, I know that I would not allow myself to believe a lie. I look at myself sitting here, soul crying for Jesus, and ONLY Jesus, and know that what I believe is true.

My youth pastor once told me that star football players get tackled more than the third string ones; the ones who just sit on the bench. That gives me hope. If the darkness wants me out of play SO BAD that it would chase like this after me, let it. I am NOT letting go of my Jesus, and even if I did, He, FOR SURE, would not let go of me! My God is potent! He is powerful! Who or what can stand against His power! Though He allows me to suffer now, a time will come when He will restore ALL His children and we will worship our Lord infinitely! How wonderful!

I breathe deep, trying to breathe in Jesus. I want Him filling my lungs, diffusing into my blood, becoming one with me. To be inseparable from me. However, I know that He resides in me already, and that He is shaping me into HIS image. He is not my slave, does not heed my commands; I am His bond-servant, and holding my life, He can do what He will. I only ask to remain in His presence and fix my eyes on Him for the rest of my days. To reside in His dwelling place... what an amazing thought. To be in the embrace of my God is what I daydream about. 

There are so many ways to push my buttons, and the darkness knows them well. I love to help and serve and invest in lives, but I often over-extend myself. Right now I'm in a state of radio silence; no one contacts me unless absolutely necessary. That way I don't feel obligated to engage with this world as I seek out my Savior. Prying questions push my buttons; especially when I'm down and need space. I get a lot of those too. Responsibilities that cannot be avoided are ALWAYS pressing in on me; the walls of the prison of my mind are rapidly closing in. I cannot sleep without first closing my eyes, and I cannot close my eyes without worrying about how to schedule my day around what needs to get done. Even now my stomach churns and broils over what I must do. My whole body is in a state of turmoil and unrest; the spiritual wrestling with the physical. My light shines weakly right now, a pale reflection of what Jesus looks like. 

Faithfulness. Thats what I keep coming back to. Thats a big thing with my youth pastor, and time and time again He'll tell me to be FAITHFUL. To strive after Jesus when times get hard, so that's what I'm going to do! I've sought after Jesus for days on end, only to find Him right next to me... let's do that again! To those that search, they will find.

"All of my problems lay in my hands,
I feel the pressure creeping in! 
All of these demons stands in my head,
and I want to feel You now!

Clouded and wounded, my head strikes my heart,
I need to the gift, the gift of love!
So Savior, come save me, my heart's on fire!
I want to feel You now!

Because I want to see, 
I want to love,
Want to find what I've been dreaming of!
So I'll stay, I'll stay with You!
Where I've nothing left to lose!" - Luminate

I love this song so much. The brokeness exhibited in these words, the desparate desire to find Jesus, I see this in my own life; especially now. Jehovah-Jireh is the God that provides, and He WILL give me rest! I am of Jesus's kin, and "...when we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself" (2 Timothy 2:13). Our God is faithful, something I cannot claim to be. But I do love the fact that He is always pursuing ME. Instead of chasing madly after God, further stressing myself and wearing me out, I think I'm just going to stop, sit down, and cry out His name. He'll retrace His steps and find me here; better to be broken and found than whole and lost. 

My eyes are heavy, my heart is heavy, I am heavy. Gravity keeps pulling me down. But Jesus will be lifting me UP soon, and I just need to wait on Him! Intercessory prayer is such a powerful tool, and so I've got people praying over me. I don't know what my life would be like without all those people behind the scenes, praying over me, but it sure wouldn't be better! You guys are literally making my life better; I have my faith, my family, and my livelihood because of people who pray over me and for me. God hears these prayers and acts according to His will; but with so many believers behind me whose will is aligned with God, it can only strengthen me!

"Though darkness tries to take hold,
Your light will guide us home!
Your love will finally save us,
and Your light will guide us home!" - Luminate

Someone I met just recently, someone from DNow, has been an awesome encouragement to me. They hardly know me, and yet we quickly became good friends. They don't live near my area, yet they are more faithful to pray for me and keep me seeking Jesus than most of my outside circles of friends. She keeps me coming back to my own life motto: "Live It Like Jesus". Even when I'm hurt and I'm down, I can STILL live like Jesus and emulate His love! Darkness does not dictate my path on this narrow road; the LIGHT does! As I follow Jesus I'll look more and more like Him; living like Him as a result! And if God came down to earth to show us how to love, shouldn't we follow His example?

Its been a long post, I know. If you've stayed with me thus far, thank you. Writing has become my out, and sometimes I just have a lot to say. God bless you guys, and please continue to pray for me as I try and find my Savior amidst this encroaching darkness.