I've been a Christian since 3. Been a Christ-follower since middle school. Been a Christ-lover since a few months ago. And today something's changed yet again.
Ever since I started a personal relationship with my Savior at the beginning of this year, I have never read the crucifixion story. I knew it well and all that Jesus went through, so I never bothered to read it. But these past few weeks have broke me down and I can't describe whats gone through my head and some days have been better than others, but the entire time God's been guiding me to this point. I read the account of Jesus's death in Matthew. And then I read it again in Mark. And again in Luke. And then John's recounting of the event. And it impacted me like it never has before.
Broken and humbled is a good way to put it. Every day I combat the loneliness and depression and darkness of others. I am other's optimism, encouraging and being goofy to bring smiles to faces. Thats what I always felt Jesus calling me to do. And all the while I have been in a war for others, the same war waged for me. I struggle through loneliness and depression and darkness every day in my life. But I've got Jesus and they don't, so I've never paid mind to it. But its drawn me away from Jesus like nothing else in my life. I've become dependent on Him, but in a way that I serve Him for how He benefits me, not because I appreciate what He already did for me. Been living for the next spiritual high.
And while I read those passages, I realized that I've been selfish. I combat loneliness and depression and darkness, but I don't have to. Jesus ALREADY suffered this so that I wouldn't have to. You can't get much more lonely than having everyone mock you; the guards, the crowds, and THE ONES WHO ARE DYING NEXT TO YOU. Instead of saving breath for another few seconds of life, the criminals chose to MOCK Jesus instead. And He still lived selflessly, consoling His mother and fulfilling prophesy to make sure it all went down like it should. Even the Father turned His face away. My sin took the love of the Father away from the Son when the Son needed His Father most, calling out for His Daddy.
He sat on the cross for SIX HOURS. SIX. On a cross, you have to pull down on your arms (tearing the flesh around the nails) and push up on your legs so that your lungs can fill with air. Otherwise, in that slouched position, you cannot breathe. Every few seconds Jesus would have had to do this, reopening wounds. And don't forget the lashes on His back. He wasn't RECOGNIZABLE... they hung a sign with the condemnation He assumed; ironically His condemnation was also His truth; OUR truth. He WAS, Jesus of Nazerene, King of the Jews... and He always will be.
A stranger, Joseph of Cyrene, had to carry Jesus's cross. As a tourist to the area, what did he think as he walked behind a criminal, who stopped to console the "daughters of Jerusalem"? Another Joseph, a rich patron, secretly was a disciple of Jesus. Him and Nicodemus buried Jesus reverently; burying Him in the most respectable way as possible, burying Him in Joseph's newly cut grave. Sealing the tomb with a stone, they both left. Three days later they would hear miraculous stories of Jesus rising and I believe they would come to praise and worship and trust Him wholeheartedly.
And I, this kid two thousand years later, neglected humbling myself before my God. I neglected reading the story of my Savior's death. Of how He suffered all that as I banged those nails into His arms. Of how He still loved us even though we killed Him. As I prayed this afternoon, my mind suddenly just went blank. I had no words. And I heard Jesus say that He loves me. And He asked for my love. Jesus isn't worthy of my love. My love is broken. Its conditional. It'll give up faster than a canoe in a speedboat race. My love will not measure up to Jesus. And thats the BEST of me.
As I recommited my vows to Jesus, I prayed that today ends the day of my faithlessness and begins my faithfulness. I have wisdom, and insight, but my faith has always been lacking. Yesterday Jesus asked me to pray over a friend publicly and I chickened out cause I was afraid of mocking. That bothered me all day, lasting until this afternoon. As soon as I finished praying, that friend replied to a text I sent (explaining what Jesus had asked me to do, how I rejected that, and apologizing and promising to pray over them) saying that she admired the commitment I had to my faith. I pray I can be a light to her and not back down from challenges again. After all, I'm living for ETERNITY.
I've told people all too often that Jesus has scars on His back the scream His love for us. But thats not the half of it. He has scars on His heart where we have beaten His name into the ground and all He can do is LOOK UPON US IN LOVE. I don't claim to understand it. I think understanding it would leave us without a reason for faith and we would be crushed by the gravity of it all. Fact is, Jesus's love is POTENT. It'll break down walls. Simple words on a page have the force of a bullet train. God smashed love and grace and hope into His word for us to find because He loves us. He made the beauty of creation because He loves us. He made other humans so we wouldn't have to be alone like He was. He made humans so HE wouldn't be alone. He desires a personal relationship, no matter how broken or worthless it may be. Because He made a promise that the relationship is dependent on one person: HIMSELF. We are the beneficiaries of a relationship we participate in but don't have control over. Thats how much He loves us; that He knows we ultimately desire a relationship with Him but we WILL screw it up so He put all the responsibility on an infallible source. Thats HIM. Thats our JESUS. The dude that rose from the grave. The dude that rose ME from MY grave. The dude that is coming back as we ANXIOUSLY await His return. GOD. The... its not something that can be described. He should NOT be described so as to completely understand Him. He is a mystery, and His foolishness is wiser than our wisdom. Because as soon as we understand Him fully, we ourselves become God. And that would make Him not God. And so we may never learn of the why's behind that love, that mercy, that JESUS, but it doesn't matter. Because HE understands US. He formed us in the secret places, carefully placing the pieces of our life in a infinitely wise formation so that our life would be woven into the tapestry of eternity and we would be a part of something so much bigger than ourselves: a picture of LOVE ITSELF. Because our failures and sins GOD IS GLORIFIED. Because of our un-God characteristics, God's characteristics are exemplified and amplified and echoed throughout the generations. He is so much bigger than this, than us, than LIFE ITSELF. He CREATED life, He is THE LIFE. THE WAY. And the TRUTH. This is the God we serve. The man in the sky is NOT UNTOUCHABLE!! He is reachable!! He is reaching down for US, as we slap His hand away, and grabs us from the FIRE! He snatches us from the snares of the enemy and clothes us in the armor of HIM. He IS our armor. He is our RIGHTEOUSNESS, TRUTH, GOSPEL, FAITH. He is the one that makes us clothed; that makes us WHOLE. THIS IS MY GOD. This is OUR God. This is the WORLD'S God, though THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY DO. And with the overflow of God's love comes the replacement of OUR love; switching out unconditional for conditional. And now we can show the LOVE OF JESUS to the world by LOVING IT UNCONDITIONALLY. We are strangers in this world, we are NOT OF THIS WORLD. He made us a part of the world SO THAT THE WORLD MAY BECOME A PART OF HIM. Because when the wedding day comes, Jesus and His Bride will become ONE. One Spirit, one mind, one WORSHIP. And the Father will smile upon us all.
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