Finally Baptized

Well, I got baptized this morning at church! I wanted to share my story with you all. Gear up for an extremely long post.

For some quick background, I was born and raised by two amazing parents who love Jesus and made Him the center of their living. I'm told that when I was three, I was playing with a piece of string wrapped around my neck when my older brother found me. He didn't want me to choke, and after getting me to stop, explained death and who Jesus was to me. Soon after, I said a prayer with my parents and accepted Jesus Christ into my heart. 

I have no recollection of that moment. I don't really believe that it was my decision, but that it was the decision of my parents, and being three years old, I just did what they told me. 

When I was eight, I remember walking into my parents bedroom and asking them if I could be baptized. I saw a lot of others doing it and wanted to do so as well. They said that I could, and I went through a class for the next week that our church once offered (this has since changed) that taught me about baptism and salvation. I just sat through them, and my mom helped me write a short testimony to share. Much of it she remembered, and I just read what she wrote off the sheet. I got baptized, ignorant of the commitment it signified.

Many years later, in sixth grade, I was facing a lot of discouragement and depression from various things, the most prominent being the bullying at school. As I continued to press through just one more day, just one more day, I grew more and more discouraged. I cried out to God every evening, and I grew tired of not hearing an answer from the One who was supposed to give me an easy life. 

He met me in an incredible moment one evening when I had given up on Him, and I realized the weight of the love that He had for me. He reminded me that He loved me so incredibly much that whatever others thought, it didn't matter. All without speaking a word. That night, I made my own decision to accept Jesus Christ into my life.

There wasn't much outward life change that I could see afterwards, but inwardly, the mountain of hurt and doubt were removed from my life, and the smile that I once wore forced now became an accessory I wore freely.

By the time I reached the tenth grade, I was being prepared for something greater through the things I faced and experienced. Then, one day, I woke up knowing that God had called me to a life WITH Him in a relationship, and not FOR Him under a set of rules. Ignorantly and foolishly (for I had no idea what weight this decision carried behind it), I told God that day, "Yeah, we can do that." I've shared that many times with those around me and even on this blog. Religion doesn't get you anywhere. A relationship with Christ will revolutionize your life, like it did mine!

Almost immediately afterwards I saw God presenting me with new understanding, new wisdom, and new opportunities to be uplifting others that weren't there before. I discovered a passion for using words to encourage others, and this blog was born, along with a mission: to do my best to use the words that once told me that I was terrible and inadequate to tell others that they were beautiful and loved. I discovered a passion for knowing another's heart, and investing in it.

Last year, just a few months ago actually, God called me to be baptized. My church had started more regular baptisms, and soon after stopped making those interested take the class. They opened the baptistry every Sunday after that and invited whoever felt led to get baptized immediately.

I refused to obey God. I reasoned that since I had already been baptized, I didn't need to listen to Him. I told myself that it was just fear and doubt telling me lies, so I ignored it. 

It got to the point where I talked to my mom during one Sunday service and asked her about getting baptized, and she suggested that I talk to one of the pastors about it, since I had been baptized earlier. Instead, I just played it off later when I was asked about it and said I was feeling better. 

Every Sunday, someone new would get baptized. And while I was super happy for them, a little voice in my heart would whisper, "That could've been you." I felt even worse about the disobedience, but I continued to hide it from others.

I remember one Sunday, I felt so terrible that after the first service, I retreated to the prayer room and just sat there feeling guilty and lost and confused. When the second service ended, I left and was confronted by a good friend of mine who asked if she could talk with me.

We walked outside and she started sharing about how she was baptized at eight years old, but was feeling God's calling on her life now, and was extremely confused. She was facing what I was! I shared my story with her, and we both felt encouraged. Praise God that two weeks ago, she was baptized! The joy and relief that flooded her was undeniable!

However, I continued to reject God and refused to listen. I didn't want my peers to think badly of me. In my pride, I considered my friends, who look up and come to me for wisdom, so how could I be so late and disobedient? Why do I judge my character and worth based on another's approval? I shouldn't! Anyways, I felt terrible and hypocritical.

Last Thursday in FCA we wrote down one word that we wanted to define the way we lived this year. I wrote down faithfulness, hoping to live faithfully to Christ. The idea of baptism came to my mind again, but quickly I rejected it as I always had.

Finally, this morning rolled around, and I prepared to do the same thing I did for the past many Sundays: ignore God, and focus on something else He was doing in my life. It wasn't that I didn't want Him to be a part of my life, or that I wasn't praying or reading my Bible. In fact, I saw Him continue to move in my life during those months in incredible ways! But my faith wasn't growing, and this hidden, unknown burden weighed on my shoulders. He was using me for His glory, but I had stopped pursuing Him. 

I think that's what gets us sometimes. We think that because we can do things for God and that He can do things in us, that we can ignore something He's called us to. It's like walking through a city and helping every homeless man on the street, but refusing to recognize and meet your own wife's needs. We do it for days, months, even years, and eventually, we end up with a dead wife. God can use our actions for good, but we are missing the responsibility God set before us; one that supersedes in importance the others around you. And once you have a dead wife/faith, only God can revive it. 

Sitting in service, I could barely hear my pastor. My heart was racing and I sat there pondering if today was the day. I wanted to be free from the slavery I had accepted in doubt and fear, but I also didn't want to get in front of everyone after I had run from God for so long. But, I resolved myself unto the task, because I wanted to be free. I wanted to stop the doubt and uncertainty and start running towards Christ again; this time with a public declaration of that faith.

When the time came, I walked up to the front to start the process of baptism, and just as we were heading behind stage (at this time, the congregation was busy receiving communion or going to the altar, so there was a lot of bustling and not many noticed me), I turned around to see a very good friend of mine and brother in Christ coming to be baptized as well. I learned later that he too had been running from baptism for a long time and that day resolved himself to it as well. 

Instantly my fear and doubt turned to excitement, for I would be baptized with a great friend of mine! We changed quickly, and finally we got baptized. 

After drying off and getting changed, I got to see my family and friends. So many people stopped me to say that I had inspired them, and this both saddened and gladdened my heart. It saddened me because it took so much disobedience to get me to that place, and I should've followed through months ago. It gladdened me to know that God could still bring good through my rebellion.

And now, I sit here, thankful that God gave me the courage to do what I couldn't do. Living it like Jesus is difficult, and so often fear and doubt will stand in our way. But even when we disobey, God always wins out. And today, I can reaffirm Romans 8:37; that today, I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. To have failed my God week after week in rebellion, but to have the grace to say that He came through in my life is a testimony to me that His plan is unstoppable. All things will bring Him glory, and today, I was able to stand with my brother in Christ as we both took a stand to declare our faith before others. 

"I am only just beginning,

I am only getting started to know You now,

I'm only getting started!

And when I start thinking I'm getting close to the end,

You just smile at me and say:

'Hey kid, you ain't seen nothing yet!

I'm only getting started!'" - Steven Curtis Chapman

If you're running from God, give up. It's not worth the pain. He can bring good out of it. He'll provide support and encouragement, but you have to take the first step. Embrace freedom from shame and doubt and run to His arms. Let peace overwhelm your soul and let others celebrate with you; no matter what you think, believers will REJOICE in your decision to follow Christ again, they won't condemn you! Don't listen to the lies that I did! Take a stand! Make a move! Be strong and courageous, for God is with you. Deuteronomy 31:8.

To God be the glory for His love and redemptive power! Praise the Lord!