An Unworthy Author

The more I consider it, the more I realize how unworthy I am to be called to write and speak God's truth to my peers and to the online community.

In case you hadn't noticed, my blog posts have been coming, in recent weeks, few and far between. This post is the first one in over a week. And while I dislike the lack of time for writing, I'd rather let my blog go then take away from the importance of a life God has given me to live. 

Actually, this ISN'T the first post since the 14th. There are many posts that you all may never see that I write. While I love writing, I only want to post what God wants me to. So when I write out of my own strength, I can tell the difference, and I save the file with it's date and a label that declares it's un-posted state and let it sit. Maybe God'll have me use it later. 

These past weeks, I've been a lot more busy. And it's not that I have no time to write, but I just don't feel led to. I've been desperately trying to remember to spend time with my Creator rather than get bogged down with life's worries. And so, as I spend time with Him, I neglect my blog. And that's okay, I think.

God has used this blog for a little over a year to literally touch people all over the world. When I started writing, I had NO idea what God had in store for me. Currently, I have over 3,000 views, mainly hailing from the US, but also including Canada, the UK, Brazil, and even India. It's all His work, and so I want to give all the credit and glory to Him. Thank you, Jesus.

He has worked so tremendously in my life as I've developed an online expression of my love for my God. Since He wrote every single post through me, and I didn't try and post anything that wasn't His, He blessed me through an awesome community, solid online friends that challenge and edify me, and even some characters that weren't too savory but helped me learn about spiritual warfare.

This past year has been ridiculous. In January, I posted a recap. You can check that out if you want to see what God has done in my life. But an immense amount of spiritual growth has helped me come to this point, right now.

Right now, at our church, we are hosting a revival group from Life Action Ministries. They have been leading services every morning and evening since Sunday, and will continue to do so until this next Sunday. They allow the church leadership to just sit and listen, rather than serve, so that it is truly the ENTIRE church body worshipping with one accord. 

During this revival week, I have been convicted many times. One of the biggest ways is through my pride. While I beat it down and try and conceal it outwardly, on the inside it often wins much of the time. And since Jesus looks at the heart more than outward actions or responses, it's an issue that needs to be addressed.

"So what do I know of You,
who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood,
but the shores along Your ocean?
Are You fire, are You fury?
Are You sacred, are You beautiful?
So what do I know of holy?" - Addison Road

This song has been played countless times over the past few weeks as I consider the lyrics. When I consider God, I've come to understand it like Addison Road described it: standing on the shore of an ocean, unable to see it's extent... or it's depth. I don't even come close to scratching the surface with my many analogies and metaphors to describe an individual facet of our God.

And I have used these metaphors and analogies in my writing over and over. And while God has appointed me to write these posts, sometimes it's hard to see why. My pride has been broken this week. I see more and more how I've hardened my heart against my God, and ways I've been disobedient in my conduct and my giving. 

God is infinite. All powerful. Amazing. Holy. Perfect. Divine. Above all else. He is the King of Kings, the King of Glory, the King of Hosts. And when I see that, I also come to understand how lowly I am. I am nothing. I am imperfect, dishonorable, incomplete, broken. It's only because a perfect God saved this imperfect wretch that I'm able to be used by Him.

A perfect God did not need me. He could have spoken His truth and His love into every one of my reader's hearts. But instead, He INVITED me to join Him in His work. He didn't need me, but He wanted me. He wants to spend time with me, but He also has work to do, and so He allows me to tag along and participate in faith. How amazing! How wondrous! How condescending, on His part, to stoop so low as to use me for His glory.

Why do I write? Because I'm told to. It's a love of mine, a gift of mine, and I want to use it for God's glory. There are other ways God calls me to serve Him through, but I'm not always as faithful in those ways. I need to learn faith, and recognize my utter dependence on His character.

I'm not sure what God has for me ahead. If He wants me to give up blogging, well, that's okay. I trust He'll find ways to speak to you all still. Though between you and me, I really REALLY enjoy writing and interacting with you guys through this medium.

God bless you all. I pray God touches your heart through this piece this evening, and always remember to #LiveItLikeJesus.